Little King

 A story of heartbreak and survival

I found the greatest love of all, and for a short time it was mine to hold. I carried it inside of me, did everything to protect it, and fought hard to keep it. I was proud, I felt like I was finally accomplishing what my womanly body was put here to do. I was having a baby. My dreams of motherhood were finally going to be fulfilled. Then suddenly one early morning my perfect picture began to get a crack in it, and that crack eventually shattered my dreams and turned my world upside down.

My pregnancy was completely unexpected. The minute I found out I was with child a million different emotions ran through me. The two prevalent emotions were disbelief and fear. I refused to get overly excited at first I needed conformation before I could fully believe it. It didn’t help that the man who was responsible for my predicament was not excited in the least about the possibility of another child. His response kind of held my emotions in check. I refused to jump off the deep end and talk about options until I knew for sure there was even anything to talk about. I took two tests and they both produced the same results, but I had to wait until I was seven weeks before I could see the doctor. I thought about so much in the weeks up to my appointment.  I took my pregnancy test on December 10th and I had to wait until after the Christmas holiday to see the doctor. I was away with my family during the holiday, and it was during this time that it became clear that there was only one right thing to do. One I had gotten up to use the restroom and I noticed a little spotting, I immediately became afraid and started crying a praying for my baby’s life. I knew right then I would do everything in my power to keep this child with me. So when the doctor confirmed what I had finally accepted in my heart, I was prepared to take on the greatest role ever, I was going to be a mom.

This path wasn’t what I pictured for myself, of course I wanted the American dream; I wanted the  husband first and then the house, kids and a dog. I hadn’t planned for this and now here it was I was going to not only be a mom but a single mom at that. The father of my child wanted nothing to do with my pregnancy. He tried convincing me on multiple occasions to have an abortion. I cried every time he talked to me about this. Me and my child were now bonded, from the moment I saw the heart beat on the sonogram machine I became a mother in my mind. Which to me meant I would fight like hell to protect my child.

I was stressed, but all in all I had a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy. I kept all my doctor’s appointments, I watched what I ate, I researched and read everything I could to make sure I was doing everything right. I was one of those lucky women who never experienced not a moment of morning sickness, so I pretty much breezed right through my first trimester. I took a big breath when I reached my fourth month thinking my risk of not carrying the baby to term had decreased. I never knew things would take a turn for the worst.

I was 19 weeks pregnant, when early one morning I got up to use the restroom and my water broke. I became hysterical because I knew this wasn’t good, my baby couldn’t survive being born now. I was home alone and I knew I had to get my self to the hospital. I called 911 and while I waited for the ambulance I prayed harder than I think I ever have. Going to the hospital is never fun, if your ailment doesn’t kill you the waiting will. It seemed like I waited forever to see a doctor. I was so distraught at the thought that I was losing my baby as I waited, that I began to sob. A nurse saw my distress and bless her heart made an attempt to try to calm me down. She hooked up the sonogram machine so I could see my baby, who thankfully was still alive. Several test later I was discharged. Apparently, I had what the doctor called a threatened abortion. I was terrified hearing that term, but I tried to remain positive after all my baby was still with me.

I went home with a list of things to look for that would signal I needed to return to the hospital immediately, and I was also told to see my doctor for more tests to make sure the baby wasn’t in decline.  I held to faith during this time, I prayed so much God may have gotten sick of hearing me. I talked to my baby daily. I couldn’t lose my child I didn’t know how I would survive if I did.

Time marched on and exactly ten days after my visit to the ER, my world came tumbling down around me. A visit to a specialist confirmed there was no fluid around my baby. And she was concerned that I was developing an infection. She told me my future fertility was at stake. It was all too much to take in at that moment. I regret it to this day, but it was right at that moment that I lost the fight. She was telling me that there was no way I could save my baby. In the end everything I did to protect him and ensure my baby’s right to be here meant nothing, I was losing my baby. To make matters worse I had to decide how I wanted to end my baby’s life. My precious child who in a short time had become everything to me. It was unfathomable. My baby’s heart was still beating and yet there was nothing I could do to keep the pregnancy going without further complications.

In the end I had fought too hard for my baby to just let them suck  and scrape it out of me which a DNC would have done. I chose to deliver my child. I made a choice that many didn’t understand. Why would I go through the pain of labor if I didn’t have to? Why….because I’m a mother and my child deserved to be born. On March 23, 2010 I gave birth to a little boy. And to me he was the most beautiful child I had ever seen. The time I got to spend holding him and looking upon his precious little face confirmed for me that I had made the right decision. Those few precious moments with him are ones that will treasure for the rest of my life.

My son was born with wings, and for just a brief moment he was my angel here on Earth. I named him Ryan which means “little king” and this is exactly who he is to me. My son taught his mother more than he will ever know. He showed me that I am stronger than even I know. He showed that I could love beyond bounds, and he made me understand how precious life really is. I still cry for my loss, because I just know my little boy was something special. But I know beyond a doubt he was chosen to go to heaven because he truly belonged with the Lord, he was an angel sent here for a purpose. And I am eternally grateful to have to opportunity to be his mother. I carry him in my heart, he is in my thoughts, and I feel him in my soul. I am learning to live through my pain of losing him, and look at the blessings he bestowed upon. He opened my eyes, and now with this new clearer focused vision my every action now is to make him proud of his mother. Until we meet again my little king, my love is eternal.


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